038:336 Joke

Following my earlier premise (as seen here) that things are better in threes and that one should have a trio of favorites in a wide variety of categories, here for you now are three of my favorite riddles and jokes.

RIDDLES

Q: How much do you pay a mohel?

A: Nothing. All they get are tips.

(Okay, so you have to know that mohel is the person who performs the circumission at a bris to completely understand the joke.)

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

[groan]

Q: What do an elephant an a mouse have in common?

A: Neither of them are screwdrivers.

[rimshot]

JOKES

Steve and Mark are camping when a bear suddenly comes out and growls.

Steve starts putting on his tennis shoes.

Mark says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”

Steve says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear—I just have to outrun you!”

[tee-hee]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.”
“Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.”
“Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.”
“Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.”
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”
“What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

“It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!”

[guffaw]

As for my third favorite story joke, this leads me into today’s story.

I cannot claim credit for this joke (or for any of my other favorites come to think about it) or for where it was used in this particular tale. That credit goes to my former college roommate, Bill (first met on this website in my post about Boston), who used this witty story in a most creative place.

This is his story.

It is either freshman or sophomore year of our time in college. Bill is in the middle of writing a paper for some class or other (and for reasons for this story, I will call the subject of his class, “Modern German History: 1926 – present”) and he has had enough for the day.

He has compiled all of his research. He has formed his thesis. He has laid out his arguments and he has committed his thoughts down on paper. All he needs is a conclusion and a perfectly formatted bibliography and he can put his work (and himself) to bed.

Before he completes his task and for reasons known only to him (and if he told me why at the time, I have clearly forgotten), he inserted the following joke somewhere between pages 4 and 5:

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The man says, “I’d like a beer.” The bartender serves up the frothy beverage and says, “That’ll be twelve bucks.” The man hands over the money and the bartender looks up and says, “Y’know, we don’t get too many people coming in here with a duck on their head.” The duck looks up and replies, “At these prices, it’s no wonder!”

With joke, conclusion, and bibliography inserted into this paper, Bill turns in his work the next morning.

A week later, Bill receives his paper back and it has earned him a decent grade along with the following comment from the professor:

“Your report earned a solid B as it could have used more supportive material. Also, while the duck was funny, I have heard it before.”

That’s his story.

P.S. If you want to hear my favorite three knock-knock jokes, you will just have to wait for another day.

P.P.S. Today’s post is in remembrance of comedian Richard Jeni, who passed away ten years ago this month. Mr. Jeni was a brilliant stand-up comedian and one joke-teller I would always stop to watch when I saw him on television. There are still some routines of his that I can recall that are still downright hilarious to me. His bit about watching Jaws 4 (and bad movies in general) is spot-on to anyone who has never been able to turn the TV off while viewing a cinematic disaster. He also does the only bit I have ever seen making fun of football referees (start at 2:52).

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